So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
