You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
