I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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