Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
two words...techno handjob
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
