god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
