also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
