So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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