i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
