Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I had to cum in my sink.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
