Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
