Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
