I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
