it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
