went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
