Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize