im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
