Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
