Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
