listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
