All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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