Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
being pregnant is like rehab
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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