Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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