i just sent this text using only my big toe
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
