I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
