I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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