i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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