I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
