bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
