a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
