I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
