I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
