This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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