I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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