Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
