There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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