i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
