It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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