she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
