god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
