it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
