Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
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