He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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