while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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