Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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