Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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