Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You are a genius and a whore.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
