My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize