Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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