THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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