i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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