I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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