Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
