He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
