I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
