i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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