While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
