I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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