Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
